So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
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Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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