I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
