Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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