mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
