I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
