I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
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no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
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Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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