Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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