I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
