I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Randomize
