Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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