so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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