Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
