The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
