first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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