Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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