My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
