Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
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Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
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C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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