I wish they made helmets for livers.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
