just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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