I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
