God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
