ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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