haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
