I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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