I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
