Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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