I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
