Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
