My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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