I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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