If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
