highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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