The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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