This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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