i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
