I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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