Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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