So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I can feel your judgement through the phone
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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