anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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