I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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