I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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