My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
