i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?