I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize
