we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
