wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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