worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
