question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
