I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
