oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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