I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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