I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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