He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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