you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
