you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
