My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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