dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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