My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize