You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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