meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
