i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
