i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
