last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
