Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
