Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
