You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I forget how to act sober
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