just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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