dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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