I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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