i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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